My Virginity

I don't think I've ever come right out and declared it; at least not on teh interwebz. However, I think anyone who has read pretty much anything I've posted on this matter could guess. I am virgin. I am 23 years old. I am fully aware that it isn't actually unusual to reach this age without having head sex even if it feels like it is. This type of question seems to pop pretty frequently on "Question Tuesdays" and the like. However, I typically find myself annoyed with the way it is answered.

The term that is always used is, "ready." I understand the importance of being ready. I also understand that typically this question is posed by a girl and the audience in social media is mostly girls and being ready and not getting pressured into sex is important given the nature of our society and adolescence for women.

I just don't think "ready" works in discussing my virginity. Perhaps, in a grand sense of the things one could argue that I'm not ready (more on that later.) However, I feel that I am. My hurdle is finding some one to have sex with me. I really want to have sex. I'm not hesitant about it, if a safe opportunity presented itself I'd be all over it. That circumstance has not presented itself to me as of yet.

Why exactly hasn't that circumstance presented itself? I lack any sort of assertiveness and cultural norms suggest that I should have some. I'm supposed to be the one to ask someone else. I'm supposed to be able to approach a girl. I would say that I'm socially stunted. I didn't go to any big parties in High School or really out much at all for that matter. My college experience has been at a commuter school which hasn't lent itself to making friends much  less something more.

I am definitely behind schedule in terms of these sort of things. I didn't have a grown-up kiss* until I was 21 and that devolved into my first and only make-out session and I was definitely the passive one in this exchange. The exact details of this exchange will remain scarce for the sake of both parties involved.

It could be said the fact that I'm pathologically shy in general, but worse so around girls is proof that I'm not really "ready" for sex. The thought of having a girlfriend and having sex with her is very appealing to me. However, the thought of actually getting a date and going on said date is still horrifying.

I still really want to have sex, as I've said. I don't know exactly what the emotional aspect of having sex with another person would be like, but I'd like to think I'm mature enough to handle it. If we presume that I'm correct in my belief that I am actually ready, it doesn't mean I get to have it. Someone has to be willing to be other person. It's simple really. It just is a tad irritating to be told "ready" is the key.

Hey look, one that isn't about touching (or not) myself.

Thanks for reading
-Michael

*You know, with tongue, and stuff

Today's Turn-on:  Emma knows what she did.

Challenge Day 8- 12 Hours of Weakness

Operation "No Jacking it for Two Weeks" has not officially been aborted, but it is under consideration. The operation is a failure, but one I'd like to see go to completion. However, now that I have broken down it is a bit too easy to rationalize doing it again, which is exactly what I did this morning before leaving for class. It was another very quick masturbation session that only took a few minutes.

I feel much better now though. My desire to get off has lowered to more manageable levels and I feel like I can again bear to go a while without masturbating. The new goal officially is through next Monday.

The lesson I am taking from this is in when and why I should masturbate. Before I started this challenge, my habit was to masturbate once, sometimes twice* a day. And it became just that, a habit. I did it because I thought and had to and it was just something to do.

I shouldn't just masturbate daily, because I masturbate daily. The goal shouldn't be to start masturbating to become aroused. The goal should be to masturbate when I am aroused. It has been much more pleasurable to do after going a while with out doing it than it had been when I had made it routine.

So, I'm going to make certain that my next post here isn't about me masturbating or not masturbating. I'll update this as well, but I think I should branch out a little bit before too long.

Thanks for reading

-Michael

*On rare occasion more often than that**.
**Much less often now than when I was say 15***.

Today's Turn-on: Hipster Girl

Challenge Day 7- Failure

I broke tonight. I tried my best, but I gave in. A grouchy and anxious Michael masturbated and had an orgasm in less than a minute*. So, the two week thing didn't work out. I did make it a week though, so that's something I guess.

The plan is to continue as though the challenge is still in effect though. So, no masturbating until next Monday (if I can help it.)

I don't even feel that bad about it right now. I'm just relieved. I'm sure I'll feel bad tomorrow when I wake up, but right now its just relief.

This would be a lot easier if I wasn't thinking so much about it. Forcing yourself not to masturbate just makes you want to do it all the more. The periods that I've gone more than a day without masturbating before have mostly been because I was up to something. I was busy, staying at another person's house or suffering emotional turmoil.

This time I was in my same old routine**. I just had removed something that is particularly pleasurable and basically ended up replacing it with wishing that I was doing what I had forbade myself from doing. I probably should've planned this better and made lifestyle changes.

If anyone would like to think of a punishment, I probably deserve it. General rules are free and not harmful to anyone.

Thanks for reading

-Michael

*To be honest, I reached a point where I was going to cum whether I my penis out or not.
**I didn't see Emma's comment until after this.

Today's Turn-on: I will give this to a random girl I saw celebrating after Manchester City won the EPL championship today. She was wearing an item that I find particularly alluring.

Challenge- Day 5

I was thinking I was going to write everyday about this, but my life isn't that interesting and not masturbating only lends itself to so many topics. It feels like it's been a lot longer than five days. The calendar is a bitch. Anyway, I am horny* and irritated, but I will persist**.

The not masturbating thing has been good in the amount of time it saves me. Especially lately with my difficulties in achieving orgasm, it took a long fucking time just to get off. I'm not even sure if an orgasm is worth much of one's day.

Putting that philosophical question behind us, time is quite valuable to me right now. I have a big literary research paper's first draft due on Monday and I didn't start reading the book until yesterday (I have since finished it, because it's short and easy.) I've found some outside sources as well and that will be enough for the first draft. However, I like to make my first drafts pretty damn good; a paper that is mostly finished just not proof-read. This makes the night before the final draft is due so much easier.

Back to the actual topic, I'm not sure if this is causing me to be more grouchy or if it's other factors. Everything is irritating me it seems. People talk to loudly. The phone rings too loudly. That really could be other factors. I've spent a lot of time this week not knowing whether it was anxiety or allergies that was making it hard to breathe***.

I hope there is some gambling action on whether or not I'm going to make it

-Michael

*I would be horny regardless
**Unless I don't
***I think allergies most of the times.

Today's Turn-on: There is a lady who teaches a class at our office once a month and I think she's cute and she was there today.

First Post and Challenges Ahead

 A Tiny Foreword

Since it is his first post, I figured I'd give a bit of an introduction. This is one of best friends Patrick and he will be posting on this blog as well. Unlike me, he has actually had relationships, so he provides a different perspective. 


-Michael

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I have been mentioned several times in Mike’s blog. I have read many of his posts and haven’t commented as much as I should (I’m a horrible friend). Let me tell you about the person behind the not so myth, I am a very outgoing person, Mike and I share many things in common (which is why I hold him as one of my most trusted friends), I am very open about most anything in my life*, and I have a wonderful girlfriend who from this point will be named Lynn**.

I have always been open about sexual talk between friends. I was raised by my dad who felt sharing information, which I found disturbing, was important for us to create a bond. The first thing I remember was the talk that my dad and I had, and it went something like this:

My dad: “Son, you know what sex is. I know you know because you look at stuff on the computer”

Young Patrick: nothing

My dad: “Son, this is awkward for the both of us. So I will keep it short. Wear a condom because you will learn to love your penis and you never want to lose it.”

Now between that talk and 8^th grade health class I felt, that at fifteen years old, I was ready to tear up anything that moved. Well when I was 15 I was extremely nervous around girls but I was able to talk to them. My relationships throughout high school were like a roller coaster ride some girls I could try to do anything to and others I just had too much respect for.

Fast forward to the current date***

I have been dating my girlfriend for three years. We have come close to breaking up several times but since the last fight we have grown stronger.  We have both become more open in the bedroom. When we first started to have sex we would just start kissing and away we went. Well, after being together for three years we started to realize that the normal wasn’t going to get us both excited all the time. So with a conversation we discovered we were both holding back what we really wanted in the bedroom.

The reason I bring that up is simple. Many people are afraid to talk about what they like sexually. It can be as simple as role-playing or go much darker. When I would have sex with someone for the first time I would become self-conscious due to many factors. As a guy I worry about my performance, my size and of course something that makes me different****. So about three months ago Lynn and I made a pact to always openly communicate our thoughts, on our relationship and our sexual relationship, so that we can grow stronger as a couple while both being happy.

My posts will mostly be about my struggle with some of my self-consciousness, my early struggles with sex and my relationship situations.

Thanks

Patrick

*-My family life is pretty disclosed

**-I don’t want real names to be put out

***-If allowed to post again I will cover in between

****-Might go into that later

Challenge Day 2- Balls

The second day sans masturbating went pretty well at least in terms of not masturbating. All the things in my body that occasionally decide to hurt all decide to start hurting at one today. My left heel, right knee, my stomach, my left index finger and shoulder, neck and head all were hurting today. My testicles don't' hurt though, so that's a plus. Of course, there would be no expectation of them to be hurting, because things don't work that way regardless of what horny teenagers say. Going too long without an orgasm has never been a cause of ball pain for me. I've experienced to types of testicular pain:

1. Direct contact- Not much explaining here. Anything that strikes that area with even a little bit of force is likely to cause a lot of pain

2. Random- Sometimes my testicles just hurt. I think most of the time it after a masturbation session. Lots of nerves down there and they're particularly sensitive after orgasm, so that isn't really surprising. This type of pain is less severe and more dull that the aforementioned, but it can last for  a while.

There, I presume, is a third type of pain. It's one that I hope to never experience, but one that is important to be aware of. This type would be associated with some sort of health problem and I would suggest never being hesitant in getting that checked out. Embarrassing it might be to have whip out your ball for a doctor, but it's better than losing them.

So, things are going pretty well, but it is still very early in this process. I just want to clear up that I will push the abort button on this, if I start losing my current good mood. My hope is that it won't come to that and that I will be able to fight off the horniness.

Thanks for reading

-Michael

Dooowwwwnnnn Here. Given the subject matter of this blog and my attempt to destigmatize such things, I am going to start ending post by telling you all about something that turned me on.

Today's Turn-on:  It is rare that something will get my attention at work and today was no exception. On every other Tuesday, I get to go to the bank to deposit my check and see left-handed/engaged bank teller. However, she wasn't there today. All is never lost, because the internet (particularly Tumblr..) I am avoiding certain websites that I may frequent when I'm allowed to touch myself, but the internet always produces photos of pretty people and for that I am thankful.

Introduction and Challenge- Day One

Introduction

Sarah, if you're reading this, go away. 

Believe it or not, typically I have a pretty strong filter for my blogs. The main motivation for this is the knowledge that my sister will read them and no one needs to know certain things about their sibling. I often find myself leaving things out of posts or not writing about certain subjects because of her. Mostly that has to do with sex. Not that I'm having any, ever, but still it's something that sometimes I'd like to discuss.

It isn't going to be porn*. We're going to use mature terms for our parts. Even if it is stigmatized or awkward to talk about these things we're going to pretend it's not.

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Challenge

I have been having a bit of problem lately. It's not a huge one, but still a problem. I have been having a hard time achieving an orgasm a lot of the time. This is likely a side-effect of the Prozac I'm taking as it really started with the increased dose I started taking more than a month ago. I might be willing to bring this up with my Doctor, but she also happens to be the person who signs my paychecks and someone I see everyday.

I don't think it's a serious issue; at least not serious enough to warrant giving up on the medication, because of the positive effects it has had on me in other areas. Also, all the drugs in the SSRI category have the risk of the same side effect.

So, the issue becomes only becomes major once a masturbation session takes a ridiculous amount of time. I have had to give up a few times, which is kind of disconcerting. I masturbate to get off and having to give up that goal is disappointing.

This problem has gotten better over the past week. The only change is that an injury has forced me to switch the hand with which I masturbate. It is a strange feeling, but I wasn't having any other problems that the usual ones caused by using a strange hand.

Recently, I found this YouTube channel via Emma's Youtube page. It is all about sex and the like and found this video, which is the basis for this challenge:

http://youtu.be/RWyCbHtd-Tg

I not getting off during sex, because I'm not having any. However, the not masturbating for two weeks things seems like it might be a good idea, because my penis is pretty trained to only respond to my left hand and it I think it is pretty desensitized to it, which is probably exacerbating the problem.

So today is the first day and my goal is to get through Sunday, May 20th without getting myself off. I mean it isn't challenging yet, because I haven't been masturbating *everyday* for a few months. However, since I learned that I had the ability to do it I've haven't gone a week without getting myself off. So, I'm sure it will turn into a struggle pretty soon, but as of now I'm doing alright.

My primary concern is the affect that this may have on my mood. When I was having a really bad depressive episode earlier this year, I found that I wasn't masturbating almost at all. Being alone in your room with your penis in your hand is kind of sad, shameful thing; at least in the eyes of society, but I found orgasm to be a very effective mood elevator and that could totally offset any shame that I might have felt afterwards.

Thanks for reading

-Michael

*Erotic Literature is fun, but is best kept to the dark corners of the internet under aliases.